I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
