I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
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In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Someone came in the potted fern
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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