If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
