I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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