I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
