So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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