I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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