I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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