You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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