I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
