Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
