I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
there is glitter all over my balls
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