Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
