Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
