how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
