I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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