like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
