Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
