Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
