At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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