Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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