I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
