There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
