Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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