I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
