I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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