whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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