I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
