so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
