he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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