everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
