i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
