I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
3pm strippers are depressing
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
