I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
