my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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