i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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