just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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