Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He better not be in your backpack
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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