I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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