I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
