508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
