I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
