her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
