he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
