If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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