I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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