You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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