brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So much Jack, so little girl.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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