I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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