The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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