i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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