girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
