I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
pop tarts are not kleenex
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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