K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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