every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
