the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
