I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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