I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
